Just a little mad at God & cancer today.

Well had my second Chemo treatment March 24. Went well. My sweet friend Angie(Miller)Case took me. We sat there and laughed and had a good time. Yeah a good time at chemo. Sounds strange but it was a good time.

So today(March 25) I feel better. Yesterday I was pale and felt like Blah....today I have the chemo "glow". Red cheeks and feel hot yet cold. Strange way to feel. My cousin Brandon came over and brought me lunch. We had a great talk about our nutty family. My dad's side. My dad is the best dad around. His brother & sisters are wonderful too but I just wish they would get along. Drives me nuts. Glad my brothers and I get along. Yes we have our brother sister fights who don't!?!

I'm also having a moment myself. Guess I'm a little pissed. Mad @ God and the cancer.

I mean really WHY THE HELL ME!! WHAT DID I EVER DO?!?! WHY NOT SOME LOW LIFE NASTY ASS PERSON WHO IS EVIL? REALLY!!!!

I don't want to go any where. I don't want some one else to be there for my kids. I want to see them all graduate High School & College. I wanted to graduate College! I want to see them get married. I want to be there crying when Sophia turns to me in her wedding dress. My sweet little girl.

I want to hold my grandchildren. Baby sit them. Tell my children how much their babies look like them. When they do something just like them and it makes me laugh. So I can say oh you did that too.

Yes I am mad. So mad that I want to put on boxing gloves and go a few rounds with God and yell at him and ask him WHY ME?! Damn you. Damn you for doing this to Steve. Damn you for doing this to my children. Damn you for doing this to my mom, dad & my brothers. Damn you for doing this to my whole family. My niece's, newphew's, cousin, Aunt's, Uncles. Damn you for doing this to EVERYONE I LOVE! Damn you for doing this to my sister in laws! Denise needs me to vent to. Who else is she going to vent to.

Yes I say damn you but I know you will not let me suffer. You will be there to take my hand and lead me where there will be no more pain. To a place where I can see my loved ones that I have lost during my time here on earth. Yet, Damn you. I say that so I can get though some of my days. Yet I love you lord for I know you will not forget me. You will be there when I need you the most. Let me be mad at you and don't be upset because I am. I know you walk beside me everyday. Your there when I have my treatments.

For you are the one who gives me the power to get though every treatment I do. Do not take me in 5 years leave me be for 20 or more. Let me bring my children to be wonderful adults. Let me be.

Damn you cancer! You will never win. Just so you know. YOU WILL NEVER WIN! But I say damn you to hell cancer! I am stronger than you. I will win not you. I will put those gloves on everyday and fight you. Damn you!

I am stronger than you. I am stronger than you. I am stronger than you.


Just stay with me lord. Walk beside me. Take my hand when I need you to lead me. Just stay with me lord.